The Cry of Seclusion
Close my eyes and take my soul.
I've never felt so alone.
I see them, but do they see me?
Am I some great monstrosity?
Familiar faces, names I do not know,
Pass on by but do not slow.
22 years of life.
By now, it just seems right.
I once did worry of my lonely fate
But soon decided to toss the useless weight.
Now it's worse than ever
With all the ties I've severed.
No one is the man I trust.
I fought for him with great lust.
I thought that was best for me;
I thought I knew all there was to see.
I killed all needless conversation
And built my splendid isolation.
Now I live within its confines
All my life, all the time.
Even if I wanted, I couldn't break free
'Cause that would mean someone might get close to me.
I simply cannot let that happen.
I must keep me looking out, them looking in.
I've got no one with which to share this Earth.
It started on the day of my birth.
Love is something I don't (can't?) feel.
It's as if my heart's of steel.
I'm outcast, and I'm sad,
And I ask myself, "Am I really that bad?"
Yes I am, but I am
What I am, what I am, what I am.
I push people away and keep them there.
With them, my mind I cannot share.
I live my life of tedium
With increased alienation.
I spurned the human race
When it mocked my cold and distant face.
Destruction of my detached existence
Was met with a strong and fierce resistance.
I connect with no one,
For they just add to my confusion.
I could have been anybody,
But instead I am me.
I'm treated like a guest in my own darkened home,
Though naked therein is where I like to roam.
I'm driven by my own inner pain
Which proves to be my own dark, miserable bane.
People are evil from what I can tell;
This includes me in my living hell.
Hatred runs deep of others towards me,
But unlike them, I cannot leave.
I screwed up my life, and I lost all control.
My incessant reclusion has taken its toll.
I've become everything that I've ever hated.
I can't believe it's been this long that I've waited.
I sit so completely alone this night
In the flickering black-candle light.
I've seen the future of me,
And my future looks bleak.
I ponder the situation
And again reach the same conclusion.
I'm alone, but now I've got a loaded gun.
Death is my one true companion.
Originally written:
April 24, 1999
Put online:
November 18, 2001
Discussion:
I think the title says just about everything. This is another happy suicide poem. It was written while I was at UWGB, hence the familiar faces/unknown names line. I really did not like much of my college experience. At the basis of this poem is the struggle between separating myself from the rest of the world with a wall or actually forming relationships. I pretty much decided on the wall option, putting myself in severe isolation and intense detachment. This, of course, led to further isolation when people realized how cold I really was (and still am). I don't really have a good way of concluding this paragraph, so I'll just stop now.
Back to the Index