The Trouble with Weddings
In the summer of 2001, I was invited to two weddings, the first of my adult, non-parental-guided life. One invitation was from a relative, the other was from a high school and college friend, and in each case I never really met the future spouse. I declined both invitations. One wedding was during Metalfest, but aside from that I have principles.
Firstly, I don't believe in love or marriage. With respect to love (which I feel does not exist), I may expand on that further in a future essay if I ever feel like trying to write it, but for now accept that, at the core basis of my theory, humans are too greedy and selfish for love to be a reality. Marriage is an outdated social institution. Without marriage, if someone wants to stick around or be with a partner through sickness and health, good times and bad,... they will. If they don't, then they will not. If the couple does stay together, it is because they want to; it is their desire. They won't do it simply because society says they must since they have a ring around a certain finger. More than one unhappy couple has unwillingly endured a bad relationship because they were married and those rings indicated they had to stay together when, without those rings, they simply could have walked away. And what about same-sex marriages? Presumably, couples get married for "love." If a homosexual couple "loves" each other and wants to marry, why, in many states, is the marriage not legally recognized? It seems logical to me that it should be.
The notion of a gift registry disturbs me. This is (supposedly) the bride and groom coming together to form a wish list saying, "This is what we want. We don't want any of your crappy-ass ideas. Get us this shit or we'll have a temper tantrum." This is crap. This prevents all college drinking buddies from getting their friends gag gifts from Spencer's or Adam and Eve or worse. Where's the fun in that? Especially for the groom. Everybody knows the guy (though he'd never let his future wife know) really wants something from Frederick's, Hooters, the hardware store, or Chevrolet. Instead, he gets pots and pans, bathmats, curtains, and soap shaped like a swan. Yippee! Furthermore, by checking the computerized registries that many stores now have, the couple can see beforehand what they will be getting. Again, where's the fun in that?
Women are psychotic. Get them in a group in a high-stress situation and you're looking at almost instantaneous trouble. Whereas the groom rents his tuxedo for $100, the bride and her friends will comb through stacks and stacks of bride's magazines looking for the perfect dress. It will be worn one time then stuffed in a box in the closet, and it will probably cost at least a couple month's worth of paychecks. And what's with the white? White is supposed to represent purity, virginity, or innocence. Bullshit! If she didn't do a certain amount of sucking on this poor guy's dick, he never would've agreed to marry her. Perhaps a black leather bustier would be more appropriate. But back to the women being psychotic. The bride is worried about whether or not the flowers are going to match the napkin rings. On the other hand, the groom is worried about whether or not he can be arrested for what he did with that group of strippers last night at his bachelor party. The bride is stressed; the groom just wants to go home and watch football or NASCAR.
Weddings are too expensive. I touched on this briefly above with the dress comment. The catering, the reception hall, the dress, the ring, the flowers, the gifts. These all add up to some serious cash. One could also add in the parties before the wedding and the honeymoon after. Part of the reason for this expense: double envelopes for the invitations. Why? This is just a blatant waste of time, paper, and money. What in the world is the point of two envelopes? One does just fine for everything else, and yet people continue to eat this crap up! I should be put in charge of a wedding. Invitations? E-mail. Clothing? Street clothes. The ring? Cubic zirconium. I could go on and on. Why spend a ton of money on something that, statistically, won't last that long and may be repeated several times? Now, I can hear the argument that two envelopes on an invitation doesn't add that much expense. Probably very true, but it's all the little stuff that adds up and nickels and dimes the couple to death. It's no wonder why so many people are in such ridiculous debt. Of course, marriage is expensive, but divorce is even more so. Everyone has seen the bumper sticker that says, "Love is grand...divorce is 20 grand."
Finally (and really this applies to any event), when people ask me to do something or go somewhere to be part of a large gathering, they don't really want me to--they're just trying to be polite. In reality, they're sitting there thinking 'I hope he doesn't say yes.' They would rather I just stay home alone in a dark room where I can't hurt anybody. Actually, this is best for me, too, because I'm happiest when I'm alone and left to my own devices. Why is this? Because I'm a dick. I'm really not very nice. I don't typically enjoy others' company. I'm generally very cold and detached. I dislike large, formal gatherings (and if they're held during the summer, then, like the season, I really hate them). I don't like most celebrations that many other people enjoy such as weddings, births, holidays, family reunions, birthdays, and anniversaries. Usually, these things involve talking, and many times I end up defending or explaining myself. I get sick of that.
Those are my issues with weddings. Don't even bother inviting me because chances are extremely good that I will not go. This includes even my own wedding were I ever to get married, which I won't because there is not a woman alive that will ever put up with me and my shit, so it's kind of a moot point.
Originally written:
September 15, 2001
Put online:
September 16, 2001
Discussion:
N/A
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