The 'I Look Like Satan' Theory

When I was a student at UWGB, I had a web page which was absolutely nothing like the one you are reading now. On this web page, I had, among other things, several theories on numerous topics. One of these theories is printed in excerpt form below. After another instance of a similar situation which prompted the original theory a few years ago, I decided to pull it out, resurrect it, and expand it.


The 'I Look Like Satan' Theory

Due to recent occurrences in my life, I have concluded that I either a.) look like Satan (unbeknownst to me, but apparently knownst to others) or b.) have a Satan name tag somewhere on my person (again, unbeknownst to be, but...). I reached this conclusion after being bombarded by religious propaganda. Generally, things start out innocently enough (a simple "good morning" or agreeing to take a survey, for example), when, without asking, I am suddenly handed a Bible, an offer to meet at a place of worship, or an offer to listen to a Christian rock radio station. For example, the most recent instance, the one that prompted this theory, happened here on campus. A person asked me where I was going. I responded, at which point she asked me where the Sports Center was located. I pointed it out to her and was about to continue to class when she started babbling some shit about a Christian rock radio station ("Have you ever heard of 102.7? It's a Christian rock station out of Suring. You're welcome to listen. Invite your friends, too."). "Well, I'll be damned sister. As soon as my buddies and I finish watching pornos Saturday night, we'll be sure to tune right on in." Furthermore, after receiving an anonymous letter from the Jehovah's Witnesses, I reached the brilliant conclusion that I do, indeed, look like Satan...or whatever one wishes to call the embodiment of "evil." This despite an approximate 50/50 split on a very non-scientific, informal survey. I seem to be digressing a bit into my I'm Against Organized Religion Mode, so I'll stop soon...

OK, so that was the original theory (with a few minor editions or changes). Just last week, I had yet another very similar experience. I was leaving the engraving shop where we get our employee of the month plates for work engraved when a woman accosted me on the sidewalk not three steps from the door (and, interestingly enough, it should be noted here also not more than a couple stores down from a Catholic book/gift shop). The woman held out--and asked me if I would be interested in--a flier. I really wasn't interested at all, but, as a reaction I believe, I grabbed the flier, not yet realizing what it was for. I glanced at it and saw it had some church name on it, and my assailant began "babbling some shit" about joining her at some church blah, blah, blah. I ignored her for about four seconds before handing her back the flier and politely declining and continuing on my merry way. The entire exchange lasted maybe 10-15 seconds, but it got me thinking back to my original theory.

Granted, I do look a little bit weird with my long hair and my penchant for all-black clothing, even in the summer (all the way down to the black cowboy boots), but do I really look like I need "saving?" Maybe this lady should be going after the priests, but I digress. If nothing else, this experience just seems to be further proof of the above theory.

I think it rather interesting that the general public finds this type of behavior, these unwanted, unsolicited, non-sanctioned, and blind assaults, acceptable. Would this apathetic attitude be the same if these people weren't spreading "goodness?" If I went around telling people to become atheists, telling people there is no "God," and so on, would I be met with hostility? I'm guessing such would be the case. Why, when I am minding my own damn business, like walking down the street, do some feel the need to force their beliefs on me? And this doesn't just go for religion (though these folks are generally some of the most persistent, vocal, and annoying activists). This counts for any social issue or topic. Now, I do realize that they have the right to preach and spread whatever crap they want, but do they really think there are U.S. citizens who haven't already heard about the Christianity disease? And can they really convert someone or teach someone with a 4.25-inch by 5.5-inch hand-cut flier? "What's this you say about this Jesus fellow? He died to save me? Why, I must learn more about this wonderful man! I shall join you regularly at your place of worship mentioned here on this poorly cut and uneven flier! Thank you! Thank you very much!" Come on. I am well aware (painfully aware, in fact) that there are many churches that I could attend if I so chose. They will welcome and love anybody...and one needn't even be of legal age, but I digress yet again.

I propose that this incident as well as the similar ones in my past (and, unfortunately, in my future I'm sure) can be considered advertising. Advertising is used to get people to do something, go somewhere, buy something, and so on. Aren't churches non-profit organizations? (If, my dear reader, you believe that is actually the case, then perhaps you will believe me when I tell you I'm going to be the next pope.) What difference does it make how many congregants there are? Churches are already tax-free organizations but are still afforded the same services taxpayers are offered such as police protection, public utilities, military protection if necessary, and so on. These services needn't be paid for out-of-pocket, so why the need for more congregants? To paraphrase Anton Szandor LaVey, if churches were taxed, they would disappear because of their own obsolescence.

The run-ins with religious nutters that I have described in this essay have neither, as these people have presumably hoped, gotten me to go to church, nor have they gotten me to "praise the Lord." No. In fact, they have simply succeeded in further reinforcing my opinion that it is those who are most unsure of their beliefs that are usually the most vocal. From now on, all religious propaganda aimed towards me will be met with something similar to, "I'm sorry, do I look like Satan? Do I look like I need 'saving?' I don't go around asking you to join me, so please leave me the hell alone. Thank you and have a nice day." That, or I'll just ask if I can be touched by the priest...

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Originally written:    June 9, 2002 (except original theory which was written a few years ago)
Put online:    June 16, 2002
Discussion:    N/A


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