Jesus Freaks!
The so-called forces of "good" and "evil" are hard at work in my apartment building. The following essay was written moments after this encounter: I was typing up the female form essay on Saturday, August 9, 2003. At approximately 1:15 PM, I was met with a knock on my door. This is highly unusual. I have lived here for over two years, and I don't know anybody in the building beyond a polite "good morning" or "hi." Let me further set the scene for you. Because of who I am, I had tunes going. Those tunes were the funeral doom metal dirges of Skepticism. My desk is located on the wall directly across from my door and sits below a Baphomet banner, one of my paintings, and a Venom "Black Metal" poster. As usual, my apartment was a mess, and the latest issue of Playboy was sitting prominently on my coffee table (believe it or not, I actually do read the articles). The magazine wasn't placed in this location intentionally for this story--it's just that that's where it always goes. I, myself, was in my customary black T-shirt and "pour some sugar on me" pants. Now, dear reader, you have the entire scene.
So I got this knock on my door. I finished typing the sentence I was working on and rose to answer the door. Though it's never happened before, I thought maybe someone was coming to tell me to turn down the tunes a bit. I don't have a peephole in my door, so I opened it without seeing who was on the other side. I was met by two young women (I would say roughly my age), each wearing a nametag that I immediately saw. Each one read "Sister ___________ Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints." I instantly thought to myself, "Goddammit! This is just fuckin' great!" I was now met with a dilemma. Do I open the door and let them in? Do I immediately start telling them my beliefs? Do I hold my tongue? What should I do?
Since they now know who I am, where I live, and probably which vehicle belongs to me, I decided on the following course of action. I opened the door just enough for me to stand in. I let them give me their plate of cookies (which were promptly thrown away--paranoia's a great state of mind) and go on briefly about who they were, what they were doing, etc. As it turned out, they were missionaries. They live below me and, having just moved in, were apparently going around the building meeting everyone. After a very short and uncomfortable exchange in which I barely gave any feedback or responses, they shook my hand and left, thereby ending the day's run-in with religious nutters.
That's the event that prompted this essay. Now here are my issues. I think I'm much more tolerant of this sort of incursion than really I ought to be. If I went around with The Satanic Bible and some cookies, how many doors would simply be slammed in my face? Does the "No Soliciting" sign posted outside the building not apply to religions? Who are we? Why are we here? Wait a minute, that's the wrong essay...
After they left, I decided there must be some powerful forces going on inside this building. The forces of "evil" are alive and well in my apartment; the forces of "good" are alive and well directly below me. Ironic, isn't it, that this arrangement is directly opposite of what Christianity teaches--that "God" is above and "Satan" is below. The cosmic vortex formed here between these two forces in this quiet little city must be mighty strong. There should be Armageddon right here in Wisconsin. Get in line for your final judgment. I just don't know how there isn't a huge rip in the space-time continuum where the final colossal battle between light and dark sucks in, swallows, and destroys all of mankind and the universe right here and now. ...OR MAYBE IT'S ALL JUST A BUNCH OF GODDAMN, MOTHERFUCKING, COCKSUCKING, MADE-UP BULLSHIT! NONE OF THIS SHIT IS REAL! STOP TRYING TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER BY SPREADING YOUR VILE "GOODNESS" AND DO SOMETHING MORE PRODUCTIVE AND USEFUL WITH YOUR FUCKING TIME! WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP TRYING TO CONVERT ME INTO SOME WICKED THING I DON'T WANT TO BE AND FURTHERMORE ULTIMATELY DESPISE? WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT THE FUCK I DO OR BELIEVE? I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S MAGGOT-ENCRUSTED, SHIT-SMEARED, DISEASE-RIDDEN, BLOOD-STAINED ASS ABOUT YOU OR YOUR WRETCHED "GOD," SO JUST LEAVE ME THE GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKIN' FUCK ALONE! Whoa, dude! Sorry. I got a little worked up there. Had a minor fit. I need a glass of water...
After my two new friends left and I returned to my new task at hand, I did not hear any further knocks or conversations taking place in the building (nor, now that I think about it, did I hear any knocks/conversations before my assault). Curious. How is one to meet everybody when one only goes to a single door? Granted, I am in no way the most intelligent person alive, but this seems impossible to me.
I'm left wondering once more if this incident was a blind assault or a targeted attack. Were these two missionaries behind the gambling/Christianity fliers placed on all the cars in the parking lot the other day, or are there other religious zealots I may have to deal with? I tend to think that perhaps this was a targeted attack. I'm sure they can put two and two together--the metal coming from my apartment, my black clothing, my Satan-worshipping long hair, the bumper sticker for my website on my truck, the possibility of even having viewed some of this very site. It all adds up to someone who needs to be saved. Of course! Why didn't I think of that?
On many occasions, I have been assaulted by religious propaganda whilst minding my own business. This has now come to my home. With each passing incident, my tolerance towards this sort of thing diminishes. In the event these missionaries come to me again (just in case I didn't get it the first time), I will throw my door wide, point to the Baphomet banner, and proudly exclaim, "You're barking up the wrong damn tree, sister! I tried your way, and it doesn't work. You're wasting your time and mine. Thank you. Bye now." I'd like to see their reaction. Maybe they'll slam my door closed on me. That would be cool.
...And thus the battle rages on...
Originally written:
August 9, 2003
Put online:
August 10, 2003
Discussion:
N/A
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