The Female Form, Interpolating Brief References to Metalfest XVII
DISCLAIMER #1: Anyone who feels that the following essay is sexist, chauvinistic, or otherwise detrimental to the female gender may kiss my ass. First off, I don't think it is. Second, I don't want to hear it. Third, I don't care. Thank you.
DISCLAIMER #2: I am well aware that women are people. I know that they have brains, thoughts, feelings, ideas, intelligence, etc. This I know. I am well aware that women are not mere objects or possessions. This I know. These qualities are all certainly very important, but for the purposes of this essay, I will be focusing solely on the physical aspects of the human adult female. Those who do not like this may...once again...kiss my ass. Thank you.
DISCLAIMER #3: References made in this essay to the female form will be made with the following ideas in mind (unless otherwise noted). I will be speaking only about "healthy," "in shape," "trim," "tone," or "fit" women (think "athletic build"). Neither will Calista Flockhart/Lara Flynn Boyle on one end nor Oprah Winfrey/Camryn Manheim on the other end be the subjects I have in mind when writing this essay. There must be a "normal" shapely form to see--no anorexic concentration camp waifs or 300+ pound whales accepted. That's just uncalled for (male or female). Neither will any grotesquely surgically enhanced figures be in my mind (i.e. Pam Anderson). That's just displeasing. "Well-proportioned" is much more important than "big." And, of course, real beats fake any day. Think natural here--the prototypical "girl next door." Age is unimportant, as long as the above criteria are met (but I don't want any sagging or massive wrinkles). Thank you.
The human adult female is Nature's most perfect form. Clad in leather, vinyl, fishnet, chainmail, or certain other materials, this form somehow becomes even more perfect. This is where the world of metal comes in, the specifics of which I will get to later. Before, however, I get to these specifics of the women in metal, I would like to discuss female features in general.
Let's start at the top. I am a sucker for long dark hair. Coming in second would be a copper sort of color. I don't know where the "blondes have more fun" mantra came from, and I don't understand the fascination with blonde hair, but it is one I do not share. As with much in my life, I guess I just prefer dark things over light things. Dark hair seems to have an air of mystery about it I suppose. That or it's simply that I'm attracted to darkness and/or things that are "dark."
The side profile of a woman's body is very alluring and much different from the male profile. There is the obvious difference of the outstanding curve of the breasts, but there is also a difference at the lower portion of the trunk. Whereas, from the side, the front of the male body appears largely flat at the juncture of the trunk and thighs, the female body has a little curve to it. It has a bit of an "indent" as the front of the torso slightly follows parallel the arch of the lower back to the buttocks. Furthermore, instead of the genitals just dangling out there for the world to see, they are tucked away neatly between the legs.
The female body has much cleaner lines, a much smoother appearance. At the very least, an extra layer of fat beneath the skin affords women this more rounded look. There are few hard edges or rough angles associated with a healthy woman's body. Also lacking are weird bulges or ripples. Grotesquely defined muscles are usually not visible, and gone is the bizarre appearance of the male genitals to be replaced instead by a gentle 'V' bounded on either side by the legs and terminated at the bottom by the very soft, very smooth, very rounded (and, might I add, very inviting) eminence of the labia. Clothing that is too tight, of course, produces a camel toe, which I am not referencing here. Further adding to the "clean lines" feature is the lack of body hair. Unlike men, who can have hair coming out of everywhere and can look like apes, women are spared the thick, heavy growth on their backs, chests, faces, etc.
Humans are sexual beings. As such, women are sexual creatures as well. To say otherwise is foolish. I believe it is often misstated that a naked woman is a good woman. I believe that a properly clothed female can be infinitely more appealing than one who has nothing on. There are, in my opinion, a few reasons for this. First, clothing leaves something to the imagination. When clothed, one can place one's ideal image or idea into the covered areas. Second, mystery. One may begin to wonder exactly what's under the clothing and may--if so inclined--begin to daydream about or imagine what lies beneath the fabric. Third, goals. If one's intention is to see someone naked and the subject is already nude, then there is little to strive for. The game is already over.
This now brings me around to my opening paragraph and the annual event known as Milwaukee Metalfest (number 17 this year). I don't think it will surprise anyone (including those who aren't into extreme underground music) when I say that the world of metal is a largely male-dominated domain. One band even joked about how one in 100 attendees was female and that Metalfest is one of the largest gatherings of non-homosexual men. Yes, the singer was joking, but at the same time he wasn't. He was speaking the truth. Women in metal are few and far between, but the lack of females just makes those that do venture into this dark world that much more appreciated.
Women bring a certain uniqueness to metal. There is nothing better than a sweaty woman (wet women rock!) up on stage snarling out some death metal growls, or you could have the contrast of soaring female vocals against a heavy distorted guitar. And actually things can get better. If that woman has an axe (guitar) in her hands, all bets are off. Fuck Oprah, she's watching a bootleg video of a Napalm Death concert, and she's probably kicking your ass in the pit after her set is over and the next band comes on.
Metal concerts are full of interesting clothing choices. Leather, vinyl, fishnet, and chainmail, if not the rule, are at least not the unheard-of exceptions. These clothing options are perfect for the female form, and as I have mentioned in a past essay, the wearing of these garments can make some women just unbelievably hot as hell (some will always remain scary no matter what, but others...damn). For instance, one concert-goer this year was wearing a Jogbra, and over that she was wearing some kind of a V-shaped chainmail thing. She pulled off this look superbly and was very popular. Satan bless the metal chicks!
A metal concert is generally not a good place to meet women, and if this is one's goal, then one is in the wrong place if for no other reason than the extremely high ratio of men to women. Besides that, a concert should be about the music anyway, but I digress. Those few women that do live in the world of metal, however, have a tendency to wear some incredible outfits, and I thank them for it. Maybe that's why I feel so especially creative after every concert I attend. Nature has yet to improve on the female figure, especially one clad in certain materials. Even a plain old white cotton T-shirt and blue jeans can do amazing things. I doubt Nature has any plans in the near future to drastically modify the female form, so I'm sure I will continue to think about it. And as I do, I just may be forced to write about it. Those who do not like this...kiss my ass. Thank you.
Originally written:
July 25-August 9, 2003
Put online:
August 10, 2003
Discussion:
N/A
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